Introspection 101

Thursday, April 23, 2009

So, it's interesting, this blog of mine. It's about me, but it's not really *about* me, if you know what I mean. It's about the stuff I do, not about the nitty gritty, who I am, what I believe, throwing myself out there and not really caring what anybody thinks about it, me. None of my blogs ever have been, and heck, I totally separated this from my last blog because I just don't know you all that well to share even some of that (super mild) stuff with you. Audience is always the issue, right? Always so much judgement in the world, about the stupidest crap. Usually I just don't give of myself in ways like this, you have to earn it, and then maybe we'll see. But today, in the spirit of truly launching my blog, here's a few of my milder thoughts and beliefs... Let's call it introspection 101.

Things I'm learning:

People are fragile and weak. Everyone I've ever known has let me down at one time or another. Hell, I let me down all the time, and I'm sure that I'm an ongoing train wreck of letting other people down in one way or another, so I can't claim I'm exempt (though I'd surely prefer to think so).

I used to be a relationship assassin. You screw me on certain things that on some unidentifiable, unannounced (but clearly defined with boundaries in my head) level, and next thing you know, the last sound you heard is a soft "poof" of the bullet I just put into our relationship, and I'm walking on and not looking back. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't flippant about the decision, and I had to get a pretty clear signal of the dysfunction to make the choice, but once I knew, I knew. There was no reevaluation period, no trial separation. Why waste our time?

Maybe you noticed the "used to be" in there. That's the part I'm learning about. At our nature we're all just hairy, smelly, unkempt, gaseous, maintenance requiring, masses of iniquity. Those people that aren't letting me down at this moment are just about to. Inevitably. Even those that try not to. They don't want to. We are not perfect; we are human. Humans are frail. We are weak. Humans understand the concept of enlightenment, of good, but it is a constant effort to maintain against the ongoing atrophy leading us back to our basest natures.

Changing is painful. It is uncomfortable. It is uncertain (will I be let down again? almost certainly). Being an assasin is the easy path. But as I look around me and see, the true friends I have remaining are so very few, I realize... This year, as with my gardens, for myself... I choose growth.

I forgive you. I forgive myself. I am learning the quote I posted earlier. "We are all stumbling toward the light with varying degrees of grace at any given moment." - Bo Losoff.

People have "the year of" in their personal life, but I never have; maybe it's about time I did. This year, for me, well... I hope it is my year of growing.